Devil's dictionary of woodturning terms

[rsser]

I hope Aussie humor is accessible to you folk in the Northern hemisphere! So here goes ...

Ferrule - where you go when you discover a crack in your best bowl.

Chuck - as in 'chuck a fit'; what SWMBO does when she sees the credit card account entry for your last turning tool. (= She Who Must be Obeyed; see the Rumpole TV series if you got it over there.)

Checking - what SWMBO now does to your wallet every night.

Scraper - she's chucked a fit and you have to scraper off the floor.

Gouge - what the latest exchange rate for the USD feels like. (We're down to one AUD to less than 70c US).

Skew - effect on your outlook when you start turning; all you see on drives in the country is promising fallen trees.

Hollow centre - how you feel when you see the last bill for gear from the US.

Live centre - how you feel when you just pulled off something amazing on the lathe.

EVS - emotional venting system, nec. in case of ferrule.

Foot - what connects with the dog in the case of an EVS.

Jaws - something lurking and ready to bite.

Blank - called such since you can't figure out the best treatment for it.

Lathe - contraction of 'lather' - eg. the result of getting a spiral tear on the last bead of the last leg of the coffee table you're making.

Hollowing tool - named after what it does to your bank balance.

ASP - the tech guys finally found a term the marketers love: 'awfully steep price'.

Cryogenic - induces tears when the price tag is inspected.

Garage - has two meanings. First, a sacred place for the pursuit of arcane turning arts. Second, a place where stuff gets dumped for storage. The two meanings in practice often exist in tension, specially when you subscribe to the
first and other family members blithely adopt the second.

Steady - you have responsibly knocked up a couple out of fencing wire and duct tape; your other half says you're anything but when 'chuck' happens.

Tailstock - the dog essential to some EVS events wonders why you're checking his rear end.

 

[Jim Keenan]

Ern,
I find that if you drag a new tool behind the car for about a half block, you can put enough scratches on it so it appears to be well used. Just make sure you are the one paying the charge account bill.

 

[john lucas]

Funny I especially like the Hollowing tool definition.

 

[Joe Greiner]

SWMBO: You betcha. Also a popular term on the 'Murrican forum SawMill Creek. And the REAL origin is from H. Rider Haggard's novel "She." Both Rumpole and his author John Mortimer were quite the literary wonks, so they'd both know the book.

Lather: And it's the last piece of matching well-aged timber; replacement is impossible. The only solution is to try making a similar tear on the other 3.

Garage/shop: Also known as the sliding-block puzzle. May have one or more auxiliary annexes, also sliding-block puzzles. DAMHIKT.

Thanks, Ern.

Joe

 

[Gil Jones]

Funny one, Ern, Thanks. Try this one.
==============================
NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS

CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a
financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no xxx.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

 

[rsser]

LoL. .... and ouch too ;-}

How about:

Bull market: when your investments are going up
Volatility: when they're going down the tube.